Grief

grief

/ɡrēf/

noun

1. deep sorrow, especially that caused by someone’s death.

Prior to going through a divorce, grief is not a word I would have used to describe a break-up. I have had my heart broken numerous times, and I have felt deep sorrow after losing family members to death. However, a divorce is death—death of a marriage that was a lifeline, a dream and future set for not only myself but our children—a death that is hard to grieve properly. As grief seems to do, it comes in waves and at the most unexpected times.

This past week, I vacationed with my children in the DFW area with the person I have been dating for awhile now. During our vacation, the grief snuck in and brought shadow days filled with a deep anger and sadness for me. It ruined the mood and my partner was lost as to why I was acting… off.

We were having a great week. It was so fun! My guy planned the entire week out and was doing all kinds of fun stuff for me and my children. Then, it hit me. The longing to be a family. The realization that no matter what he does right, it will never be the same as if it were their dad, me, and them. The happy memories of us being a family flooded in and I remember the good things and how great of a dad my “ex”-husband can be with them. The guilt of me leaving the situation and my kids suffering for my choices. The life we now live. Overwhelming emotions of anger, bitterness, sadness, and jealousy raged through me for three days. It all started by my son doing his normal not listening and having a tantrum for not getting his way. In these moments, I feel so alone and unsupported. Then, the doubt creeps in that I left a marriage (for many reasons) that I felt like a single mother always making the decisions and dealing with big things on my own without much support and for what? To be a single parent? Then, the thought crept in that if I am with someone, they should love my kids like they are their own and be here to support me, or is that too much to ask? All going through my head what’s the point of not being with their dad if the result is the same?

1) I beat myself up for thinking perhaps I have too high of expectations which my “ex” always told me. 2) I questioned if we need to reevaluate our relationship and how he fits into the picture with me and my children. What is his role? What role is he wanting to play? They have a dad, yes, but if he loves me as he says he does, why do I feel like I’m alone and drowning in the depths of motherhood?

After 2 days of dwelling on these thoughts, the happy memories, the anger and sadness of going through a divorce, and evaluating my expectations and current relationship, I came to the conclusion that I have a lot of healing to do. I am still processing the death of a marriage. I am still lost when I try to picture a future. I still love the idea of being that happy family and I am still grieving the loss of that reality. The conclusion and pill that I have to swallow is that whether I’m alone, married to their father, or with someone else, the burden of motherhood (all the good and bad, happy and sad, stress and grind) is mine and mine alone to carry. I am their person. Their safe space. The one who will love them no matter what and who has been there for them since day 1 no matter what. I will never forget being alone in the hospital with my 3 week old baby girl not sure if she will be okay and her father, my beloved husband at the time, refused to be with us and I was there alone with her. Our bond is so strong. I have always been there for my children and never had to be begged to do so. The burden of motherhood is exhausting and lonely sometimes, but the joy it brings is indescribable. My children are my world and I am having a hard time finding out how to fit another into it. The dream and picture I had painted for my future has died, and now, I am not sure what it holds. Some days, I think death of a person is easier to understand and process than a death of a relationship. The guilt of divorce being wrong and feeling like a failure can torment you. The sadness and loneliness of losing a best friend. I think it was a rough week for me because Tuesday May 23, 2023 would have been our 8th wedding anniversary. We are still legally married, and my children are very confused about why mommy and daddy don’t love each other anymore. I would not wish this on anyone, and days that the guilt and grief hit hard, I am tempted to make amends and try to make it work.. until I remember why I left and that love is more than that. I am worthy of more and my children deserve to know true love, joy, and hope.

This was a difficult thing to try to explain so I told my partner that I can’t talk to him about it or why I was in a mood because he won’t understand. There is no way to deliver this without it coming off… wrong. I was spending much of the time in my head and reflecting on the past 8 years of my life and the 2 years prior to being married that I spent with my “ex.” I also reflected on the old me before meeting Sean and what helped me get through day-to-day life. During the course of my relationship with Sean, my relationship with and belief in God dwindled. Sean went from being a believer, to telling me he never believed, and to us going to church but still not having that marriage built on a strong relationship with God. I think I need that relationship again and that trust to give my worries to Him again. I am not strong enough to get through this alone, and I know that my anxiety and depression will be better if I trust and believe again. Faith is what is missing from me, and I need it back. I am ready to be divorced. I am ready to forgive myself and love myself to be the mother that my children deserve. To carry the load of motherhood without resentment and disdain for others when I feel overwhelmed or alone. To empower myself to do it and stop thinking I need others to support me. I got this and I am not going to tell anyone what role to play. Step up or step out. Being with me is loving my children and supporting me, making my life as a mother easier, not harder or giving them things after I say no, being my person means understanding what it means to be with a mom.

Damn, it makes sense

I have not been writing for a long time now. For the first time in years, I logged in and read my old posts. Ha! If only the giddy, happily married girl that was full of hope and positive vibes knew everything back then, then maybe my life would be a whole lot different. But… that’s for another day, another post…

My entire life I have been told that I am too much, too quiet, too loud, too hyper, too still, too passionate, too righteous… etc.. I have always struggled with being a perfectionist and having the mentality of “all or nothing.” However, my biggest flaws and something I battle daily is my inability to be on time. 1) waking up is the first struggle, that damn snooze button is so enticing, 2) I think I can do anything, ANYTHING, in 15 minutes lol, and 3) I always get side tracked and do too many things rather than just doing what I need to do at the moment. It was not until after graduating college, being married and having children, and trying to balance work, home, and all the responsibilities that I realized this is not necessarily the struggle that everyone has. After having my son, I was filled with anger and so much anxiety that I literally hated my husband. Without sharing too much trauma details, I think all the things that had happened in our relationship plus the stress of living with family while I was home up all night with our son then working all day while my husband slept took a toll on my postpartum mental health. That was the first time I had ever been diagnosed with any mental health problems, “postpartum anxiety.” After my daughter was born, PPD reared it’s ugly face as well and my anxiety was through the roof. In hindsight, I wish I would have opened up to someone or talked to a psychologist to get my thoughts out of my head. Fast forward to 2023…..

My son and I were recently evaluated, initially for autism and ADHD concerns, and the results make so much damn sense. My son was diagnosed with ADHD, ODD, and anxiety; meanwhile, I was diagnosed with ADHD, anxiety, and depression. Our appointments were on different days so I received his results a week prior to mine. I already suspected he had ADHD and the anxiety makes sense. I had not done any research on other behavior diagnosis because I did not want to have google brain worrying or overthinking everything like I do. After the results call, I went into research mode, which led to guilt and reflection about if I have caused my son to have this condition. Opposition defiant disorder (ODD), argumentative and always angry to summarize some characteristics of it, and honestly, wow it makes sense and fits but damn. So many emotions and how to process it? How can I help him if I struggle too? So, I waited patiently to hear what my results would be to move forward with getting us both the help we need. I have not fully processed everything. The past 3 years of my life have been utter chaos filled with heartbreak, anger, anxiety, depression, and brain fog, plus not to mention financial struggles and working toward a better life. In the past 3 years, I have been shoving my emotions down and pushing forward. Staying numb allows me to keep going. I need to get back to writing to get it out. The suggested course of action for my son and I is therapy, family for the ODD, and for the ADHD/anxiety (depression for me) therapy and possibly meds. I already took my son to therapy and that provider brushed off my concerns as “grief from missing his dad since we are separated.” Yes, I do believe that has a HUGE role in his ODD and behavior with figures of authority, but I think counseling would have helped him. After 2 sessions, she said she did not think he needed anything. So now, I am apprehensive about counseling and want to find a good family therapist or pediatric one for my son. I need to start looking tomorrow.

I strive in a setting of routine with a plan for every day, but I lack the motivation and follow through to have the routine and day-to-day plans. For me, my symptoms of ADHD became more prevalent after finishing undergraduate school. Then, adding a child and less than 2 years later another child into the mix for me to be caretaker, housekeeper, full-time employee, etc without anyone assisting with creating that structure was a recipe for disaster. Every day is a struggle. Seeking help, the doctors would tell me, “everyone struggles you are fine, it is hard.” What made me want to get a diagnosis is the need to understand myself and learn how to cope with life—regulate my emotions, breathe instead of react… etc— because as a mother, it is heartbreaking watching your child experience the same things as you but not knowing how to help them. My parents, I love them and know they have good intentions, were always in denial about their children anytime a professional mentioned special needs or mental health issues. I do not want that life for my children. We will get help together. We will learn how to manage our emotions and how to cope with the struggles of having ADHD and anxiety. We will go to counseling, we will do yoga and breathing exercises, and we will practice mindfulness. There have been an overflow of emotions regarding my late diagnosis of ADHD, which seems to be common with most of my friends (oddly enough it makes sense all the people I get along with are similar to me). 31 years old and just now being evaluated and diagnosed with ADHD. Man, I wonder if my life would have been different had I known this all along? Would I have learned to love myself and not be so overly critical due to the way my brain works? Would my past relationships have suffered less? It is mind blowing the amount of relief I feel as well as dread that has come from these results. It all makes sense as I reflect on my past, present, and future life.

Me

How can you love another when you cannot love yourself?

Personality

You really find out who a person is when you take a road trip with them.

Ravishly

I just read an article on ravishly about fat shaming and thin shaming and which one is worse. I am glad that I read this article because it sums it up perfectly. Here is the link to the article: http://www.ravishly.com/2016/08/30/i-ve-experience-fat-shaming-and-thin-shaming-and-i-can-tell-you-which-worse

Growing  up, I was always skinny. My senior year of high school, I was 5’9 and weighed 128 pounds. All throughout middle school and high school my friends mocked me for being thin. They would insist that I didn’t eat enough or that I needed to eat more junk food. I was very active as a teenager; I played basketball, which kept me in really great shape because I had four practices a day, sometimes more. As a result, I had an extremely high metabolism and I ate whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted.

Fast forward a few years and the once skinny girl who was made fun of for being a “stick,” is a whopping 245 pounds, and she wears the same size as her friends that have always been bigger. I went from being mocked for being too thin to being accepted by my bigger friends saying that “You look healthy now,” “You were too thin back then,” “You have meat on your bones.” Every day I look in the mirror, looking for the girl that used to be, but instead, I see this chubby, grown woman. Society makes it hard for women and men to accept their bodies. We are never satisfied by how we look.

My father-in-law’s girlfriend always has to make it clear that “I am a thick girl.” I remember one weekend they came to visit us in Oklahoma for a concert at the bar I was working at (at this time I only weighed around 190) she had wanted a t-shirt, but the only size in the one she wanted was a small. Her response to this “dilemma” was why are there small shirts, there are NO small women in Oklahoma. This really upset me as she had never been to Oklahoma before. It took all I had in me to not slap the shit out of her.

Being an overweight woman is very difficult. Each time I go to the doctor, whether it is the gynecologist or regular physician, they make sure to give me packets on weight loss and tell me that my BMI is too high. Then, the doctor wants to know why you refuse to be on birth control whenever it is what made you gain over 100 pounds in three years. Whenever we go out with friends, I feel out of place because I am the biggest one there. Not only am I the tallest female in the group, I also am the heaviest. It is a tough pill to swallow, especially since I used to be 128 pounds. This article really hit home for me because I have experienced both thin shaming and fat shaming, and I agree, fat shaming is much worse.

 

New glasses

Apparently, I am blind haha. Getting my new glasses today made me realize how bad I was struggling to see. I am near sited and I cannot read anything more than ten feet away from me. Do you know how embarrassing it was for me to be at McDonald’s unable to read the menu? Yeah, not very fun.

My new glasses are black, which is different for me since I usually get red frames. So far, I really like my new frames and the prescription has definitely made it easier for me to see!

Nothing like getting new glasses to make you appreciate the small things in life.

Rainy Monday thoughts

Today, I updated my resume. I remember during my last semester as an undergraduate student, one of my favorite, wise professor’s told me that you should never stop updating your resume. Her reasoning was that you never know when you will have a new opportunity in life.

Lately, I have been slacking on updating it, and quite honestly, I have not really been very motivated to do so. I want a writing job. I want to begin my career and work my way up to editor. I know that I will not find my dream job right away and I am completely okay with that, but it gets discouraging that I have a degree that I am not using. Sure, go ahead and blame it on the route I chose to take, blame it on English, blame it on the economy. The truth is that it isn’t my degree holding me back.

People are and can be successful with an English degree. An English degree is just as great as any other degree. The problem lies within me. I have had countless amounts of interviews that seem promising then I either receive a nicely written turn down or no response at all. You see, in order to be successful you have to be confident and know your self worth. I have never been a confident person, in every aspect of who I am. I have never thought of myself as pretty, attractive, or intelligent. I love learning and I succeeded in most of my college courses. I graduated with a Bachelor’s degree.  One would think that would be enough to prove to myself that I am intelligent and worthy. However, in my interviews, I am the shy Hannah that I thought was long gone. The interviewers ask questions such as:

“What valuable traits would you bring to our company?”

“Why marketing?”

“Where do you see yourself in five years?’

“Why should we hire you?”

Etc., etc., etc…. the list goes on and on.

All of these questions I have prepped for and even prepare myself to answer, but they aren’t buying it, my voice is shaky, my face is red, I am fidgeting. In order to sell yourself to an interviewer, you must seem confident. Your body language must match the words coming from your mouth. How can I fix this issue? How does one build self-esteem and confidence? Five years in college that developed and built me into the person I am today, yet the moment I walk into an interview, I am the 18 year old me who doesn’t know what to say.

Magnolia

I am sitting here waiting on Sean to get done showering so the nurse can change his bandages, and I notice there is a beautiful magnolia tree outside the hospital window. It is a wondrous reminder that beauty is everywhere. I often forget, in all the surrounding chaos that life is beautiful. 

I was walking back inside from taking stuff to our car and I saw a painting that caught my attention.  It was a gold tree that portrayed intent focus on the roots. The background was a clear blue sky. The picture had the essence of a picture or expression of importance.  My mind  immediately grew with curiosity. On the trunk of the golden tree, there were rocks of various colors taped or stuck on. It had a card with a description beside it. I decided not to read it because often times,  explanations destroy the beauty of things.  

 

Saturday Thoughts

Life has been pretty crazy for Sean and I lately. Between searching for my purpose in life and balancing our bills, we just cannot seem to catch a break. This past week, I stayed with my brother to watch his kids for him and his wife while they were working. In the meanwhile, Sean had to go to the ER because his leg was swollen and red. That was on Wednesday night. They pumped him with antibiotics for four hours and sent him home with four prescriptions.

Here we are in the hospital. His leg seemed to get worse yesterday, so we went to the ER again. Needless to say, they doubled the IV antibiotic and admitted him to hospital. Today, they cut open his leg and tried to drain the abscess. Hopefully, this works and he can go home tomorrow.

I hate seeing him in so much pain. I am ready for this to be over.

Anxiety

Lately, I have been feeling overly anxious. I have not been writing, reading, or doing anything that I love. I have set goals for myself that will hopefully restore my joy in life.

1. Write daily, whether it is one sentence or 500 words.
2. Exercise daily.
3. Read at least one book a week.
4. Expand my vocabulary. I want to use at least 5 new words a week.
5. Practice being proud and happy with who I am daily.

These goals may seem silly to some, but I am feeling low and apathetic. Apathy is not an admirable trait. I want to have purpose in life. Before I can move forward in life, I need to be happy with who I am and confident in myself. Reading and writing are my escape, these things make me who I am. Lately, I haven’t been writing and I feel lost, incomplete. Graduating with an English degree, I was hoping to land a low paying writing job that could potentially, one day, be an editor job. The journey is not over; however, I need to keep my head up as well as my knowledge, so I start with these five daily goals toward personal growth.