I have not been writing for a long time now. For the first time in years, I logged in and read my old posts. Ha! If only the giddy, happily married girl that was full of hope and positive vibes knew everything back then, then maybe my life would be a whole lot different. But… that’s for another day, another post…
My entire life I have been told that I am too much, too quiet, too loud, too hyper, too still, too passionate, too righteous… etc.. I have always struggled with being a perfectionist and having the mentality of “all or nothing.” However, my biggest flaws and something I battle daily is my inability to be on time. 1) waking up is the first struggle, that damn snooze button is so enticing, 2) I think I can do anything, ANYTHING, in 15 minutes lol, and 3) I always get side tracked and do too many things rather than just doing what I need to do at the moment. It was not until after graduating college, being married and having children, and trying to balance work, home, and all the responsibilities that I realized this is not necessarily the struggle that everyone has. After having my son, I was filled with anger and so much anxiety that I literally hated my husband. Without sharing too much trauma details, I think all the things that had happened in our relationship plus the stress of living with family while I was home up all night with our son then working all day while my husband slept took a toll on my postpartum mental health. That was the first time I had ever been diagnosed with any mental health problems, “postpartum anxiety.” After my daughter was born, PPD reared it’s ugly face as well and my anxiety was through the roof. In hindsight, I wish I would have opened up to someone or talked to a psychologist to get my thoughts out of my head. Fast forward to 2023…..
My son and I were recently evaluated, initially for autism and ADHD concerns, and the results make so much damn sense. My son was diagnosed with ADHD, ODD, and anxiety; meanwhile, I was diagnosed with ADHD, anxiety, and depression. Our appointments were on different days so I received his results a week prior to mine. I already suspected he had ADHD and the anxiety makes sense. I had not done any research on other behavior diagnosis because I did not want to have google brain worrying or overthinking everything like I do. After the results call, I went into research mode, which led to guilt and reflection about if I have caused my son to have this condition. Opposition defiant disorder (ODD), argumentative and always angry to summarize some characteristics of it, and honestly, wow it makes sense and fits but damn. So many emotions and how to process it? How can I help him if I struggle too? So, I waited patiently to hear what my results would be to move forward with getting us both the help we need. I have not fully processed everything. The past 3 years of my life have been utter chaos filled with heartbreak, anger, anxiety, depression, and brain fog, plus not to mention financial struggles and working toward a better life. In the past 3 years, I have been shoving my emotions down and pushing forward. Staying numb allows me to keep going. I need to get back to writing to get it out. The suggested course of action for my son and I is therapy, family for the ODD, and for the ADHD/anxiety (depression for me) therapy and possibly meds. I already took my son to therapy and that provider brushed off my concerns as “grief from missing his dad since we are separated.” Yes, I do believe that has a HUGE role in his ODD and behavior with figures of authority, but I think counseling would have helped him. After 2 sessions, she said she did not think he needed anything. So now, I am apprehensive about counseling and want to find a good family therapist or pediatric one for my son. I need to start looking tomorrow.
I strive in a setting of routine with a plan for every day, but I lack the motivation and follow through to have the routine and day-to-day plans. For me, my symptoms of ADHD became more prevalent after finishing undergraduate school. Then, adding a child and less than 2 years later another child into the mix for me to be caretaker, housekeeper, full-time employee, etc without anyone assisting with creating that structure was a recipe for disaster. Every day is a struggle. Seeking help, the doctors would tell me, “everyone struggles you are fine, it is hard.” What made me want to get a diagnosis is the need to understand myself and learn how to cope with life—regulate my emotions, breathe instead of react… etc— because as a mother, it is heartbreaking watching your child experience the same things as you but not knowing how to help them. My parents, I love them and know they have good intentions, were always in denial about their children anytime a professional mentioned special needs or mental health issues. I do not want that life for my children. We will get help together. We will learn how to manage our emotions and how to cope with the struggles of having ADHD and anxiety. We will go to counseling, we will do yoga and breathing exercises, and we will practice mindfulness. There have been an overflow of emotions regarding my late diagnosis of ADHD, which seems to be common with most of my friends (oddly enough it makes sense all the people I get along with are similar to me). 31 years old and just now being evaluated and diagnosed with ADHD. Man, I wonder if my life would have been different had I known this all along? Would I have learned to love myself and not be so overly critical due to the way my brain works? Would my past relationships have suffered less? It is mind blowing the amount of relief I feel as well as dread that has come from these results. It all makes sense as I reflect on my past, present, and future life.
Life 